If you’re dealing with a toxic person, you’ll notice that they have a tendency to assume the role of a victim or a martyr. A proper term for this behavior is “martyr complex,” and it’s often accompanied by covert narcissism.
In this article, we will talk about
- what is playing the martyr, or martyr complex;
- the difference between martyr complex and playing the victim;
- why martyr complex is associated with narcissism;
- what causes martyr complex;
- dealing with martyr complex in others;
- overcoming martyr complex in yourself.
What Is Martyr Complex
Playing the martyr, or “martyr complex,” is when a person has an exaggerated sense of obligation to suffer or sacrifice for others in order to elicit sympathy, love, and admiration.
It’s also meant to evoke guilt. So playing the martyr is passive-aggressive behavior, and one of the hallmarks of covert narcissism.
Martyr Complex and Covert Narcissism
It’s not always the case, but the martyr complex can be a sign of covert narcissism.
Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), isn’t one-size-fits-all. It presents in different and seemingly opposite ways. At least two types of narcissism are currently recognized: grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert).
Covert narcissism is a quieter, more reserved version of NPD. Narcissists of this variety may appear anxious, insecure, and even self-effacing.
But just like regular old narcissists, they’re intensely self-absorbed, entitled, and vain.
Throw a martyr complex in the mix, and you’ve got a real ray of sunshine.
Whereas a typical narcissist thinks she’s better than others because of her innate qualities, a covert narcissist with a martyr complex justifies her sense of superiority with the “good deeds” she does for others.
So she gets to be on a high horse at all times, seeing other people as selfish ingrates who are ultimately unworthy of her “gifts.”
More often than not, covert narcissists with a martyr complex seriously overestimate their goodness. They exaggerate the importance of things they do for others, and resent people for not measuring up to their twisted standards.
They think they’re selfless and giving, when in fact they’re completely self-serving. They’re also master manipulators.
Martyr Complex Vs. Playing the Victim
Playing the victim and martyr complex are used interchangeably sometimes, but there is a difference between those two terms.
When someone is “playing the victim,” they feel victimized by their life circ*mstances. They tend to be paranoid, too, suspecting that everyone’s out to hurt them. They insist that bad things happen to them, and that they’re helpless in the face of insurmountable, cruel odds.
A person with a martyr complex seeks out difficult or even painful circ*mstances to gain support or admiration. They often take on unnecessary burdens and sacrifice their own needs for others.
But unlike someone with a kind and generous spirit, a person with a martyr complex does it out of a sense of obligation or superiority: “I’m better than you, so I will do this for you, even though you’re a worthless person who doesn’t deserve it.”
Growing Up With a “Martyr” Parent
If your parent habitually plays the martyr, you probably spent your entire childhood under the crushing weight of guilt.
Your parent’s suffering was so loud and all-encompassing, there was no room for anyone else.
So you’ve learned that your thoughts, feelings, and needs don’t matter. They can never be as important as the endless pain of your parent’s existence, and the sacrifices he or she made for you.
Related:7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
For more on the subject, readHow to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 7 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
Martyr Complex in Relationships
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with a martyr complex is just as frustrating as being raised by one. You’ll feel like
- you need to walk on eggshells around your partner’s feelings, or they’ll turn defensive;
- you’re always wrong, and always the one apologizing;
- your partner gaslights you into believing you are the cause of their suffering;
- no matter how hard you try, you can’t make them happy;
- the smallest misunderstanding turns into a huge argument.
Like any toxic relationship, a relationship with a martyr is one-sided and emotionally abusive. Your needs don’t matter or even exist.
And whenever you bring it up, your partner assumes the role of the victim and turns the tables back on you.
The Origins of Martyr Complex
Martyr complex can be a result of trauma or abuse.
But when martyr complex is a symptom of a larger narcissistic pattern of behavior, it almost always starts in childhood, in the family of origin.
Growing up, the child might have observed caregivers being selfless and putting other people’s needs above their own. This is particularly typical of traditional cultures where women are subjugated to men, and expected to be everyone’s caretaker, helper, and servant.
Growing up in this type of environment, a child (particularly a girl) learns that helping others or taking on extra work is a straightforward way to receive social approval and the love of her parents.
No one’s praising her for being smart, independent, outspoken, brave… Or for just being herself. But whenever she’s sacrificing her needs for others, she’s showered with validation.
As she grows older, she learns that being a “martyr” not only earns her “good girl” points. It also allows her to manipulate others to get what she wants, and escape accountability for her personal shortcomings.
So there are considerable psychological rewards to being a martyr.
Dealing with Martyr Complex in Others
If you’ve read this article all the way through and gotten to this part, you probably have a martyr in your life. And you’re baffled as to what to do about them.
When dealing with a covert narcissist with a martyr complex, you can go one of two ways: either appease them (give them what they want), or stand your ground and don’t allow yourself to become “indebted” to the martyr.
If you give the martyr the appreciation they seek, it might make them happy for a while. But it’s not all they want from you. They want your complete and total devotion, obedience, and forgiveness.
In other words, they want you to protect their fragile ego at all costs, even when it hurts you.
Not many people are willing to go to such lengths to please someone. And even if they are, they’ll end up emotionally burnt out, resenting the martyr, and regretting their choices.
The other way — standing your ground — is harder, especially if you’re dealing with someone close to you, like a parent or a significant other. But it preserves your sanity in the long run.
Standing your ground is basically refusing to validate the martyr’s narrative and to play their games. That would involve refusing gifts or favors from the martyr, holding them accountable for their actions, and not giving them praise or pity.
Because let’s get it straight: nothing a martyr does is for free. There’s always a big bill at the end of that meal! So unless you want the martyr to have the strings to control you, go with option #2.
Overcoming Martyr Complex in Yourself
We all have a little bit of a martyr in us. We all bite off a little more than we can chew, and then feel hurt when we’re not praised and idolized for our efforts.
But trying to manipulate and control other people with our “good deeds” is where it crosses over into a martyr complex.
The good news is, if you’re self-aware enough to recognize it in yourself and to want to change, it’s completely correctable. Here are a few things you can do to get off that cross and start living a more authentic life.
- Stop taking on extra work to prove that you can.
- Start delegating: it doesn’t have to be done your way to get done.
- If you do choose to do something, do it unconditionally. Don’t expect to be rewarded with praise or favors, otherwise, it’s selfish.
- Start taking responsibility for when you’re wrong. No one is right all the time. If you feel that you are, it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities.
- Respect other people’s boundaries. They may be different from yours, and you may think they’re silly.
- If you don’t feel appreciated for the things you do, stop doing them. That’s the healthy response. Doing them over and over again and feeling resentful of people not appreciating your sacrifices — that’s martyr complex.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissists with a martyr complex are one of the most difficult, challenging people you could ever deal with.
They seem to be so good and giving, but people in their close circle know just how cruel and punishing they can be.
This type of person is one of the most convincing and dangerous manipulators you will ever encounter.
If you have one in your family, you have my sympathy. If you’re in a relationship with one, RUN!
Have you ever encountered covert narcissism with a martyr complex? Tell your story! I’d love to hear about your experience.
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